Top 50 Funniest Jokes In The World
Top 50 Funniest Jokes In The World Of All Time
Oliver Oliver Reed
Researchers find ‘official’ funniest jokes of all time: Survey reveals Top 50 funniest jokes ever told.
Researchers (from OnePoll.com) examined more than 1,000 jokes before whittling them down to a final 50 and getting 36,000 people to vote for their favorites.
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.”
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me.”
Went to the zoo. There was only one dog in it. It was a shi-tzu.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A young blonde fears her husband is having an affair. She goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she finds him in bed with a redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps off the bed and starts begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically, the blonde responds to the husband: “Shut up, you’re next.”
A classic from Tommy Cooper – I said to the gym instructor: “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said: “How flexible are you?” I said: “I can’t make Tuesdays.”
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.
The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The reception was brilliant.
“Doc, I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass Of Home.” He said: “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.” “Is it common?” I asked. “It’s not unusual,” he replied.
I’m on a whisky diet. I’ve lost three days already.
A man walks into a bar with a roll of Tarmac under his arm and says: “Pint please, and one for the road.”
Went to the doctors and said: “Have you got anything for wind?” He gave me a kite.
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed. I never knew they worked.
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. I thought: “He’s trying to pull a fast one.”
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to Spain and is named Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving it, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband said: “But they are twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”
Two fish in a tank. One says: “How do you drive this thing?”
I went to buy camouflage trousers but I couldn’t find any.
When Susan’s boyfriend proposed, she said: “I love the simple things in life but I don’t want one of them for my husband.”
“My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.”
I rang up BT. I said: “I want to report a nuisance caller.” He said: “Not you again.”
I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up for a date but she’d popped her clogs.
A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says: “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
Slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace.
A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says: “Is this some kind of joke?”
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: “Sorry, we don’t serve food in here.”
I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and said: “Did you get my drift?”
I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair.
Went to the paper shop – it had blown away.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their tournament victories. After an hour, the manager came out and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said: “Are you two an item?”
I’m in a great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a year’s supply of Marmite – one jar.
I’m in a Chinese restaurant and this duck comes up with a red rose and says: “Your eyes sparkle like diamonds.” I said: “Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck.”
Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says: “Oi – get out. We don’t want your type in here.”
I was having dinner with Garry Kasparov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
A man entered a local paper’s pun contest. He sent in 10 different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in 10 did.
I went down to my local supermarket and I said: “I want to make a complaint. This vinegar’s got lumps in it”. He said: “Those are pickled onions.”
I backed a horse last week at 10 to one. It came in at quarter past four.
I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said “may contain nuts”. Well, YES. That’s what I bought them for. You’d be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out.
A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins. What a turtle disaster.
My phone will ring at 2am and my wife will look at me and go, “Who’s that calling at this time?” I say, “I don’t know. If I knew that we wouldn’t need the bloody phone.”
I said to this train driver: “I want to go to Paris.” He said: “Eurostar?” I said: “I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin.”
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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.
I’ve got a friend who’s fallen in love with two school bags. He’s bi-satchel.
You see my next-door neighbor worships exhaust pipes, he’s a Catholic converter.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and says: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”
I tried water polo but my horse drowned.
I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything – trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people’s pants. It was Wedgie Kray.
Went to the corner shop – bought four corners.
A seal walks into a club…
I went to the doctors the other day and he said: “Go to Bournemouth, it’s great for flu.”
So I went – and I got it.
“You don’t stop laughing because you grow old.
You grow old because you stop laughing.”
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About author:Oliver Oliver Reed lives in EU with his wife and son where he pretends to be a serial entrepreneur and advertising creative when he would rather be writing. If not behind his computer, you may find him enjoying his free time with his wife and young son, reading his favorite authors, running, sailing, photographing, meditating or laughing with his friends.
Oliver lives his life by these inspiring words:
― Albert Einstein