Best bar in New York

Frank was getting ready to go on a trip to New York for the first time, and was talking to his friend Bill. Bill: “While you are in New York, there is a bar that you have to go to. When you walk through the front door, you are handed a free drink. Then you […]

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How do you know a blonde likes you?

Q: How do you know a blonde likes you? A: She screws you two nights in a row.

[bctt tweet="Q: What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off? A: Spit, swallow, and gargle."]
Murder cases in trailer parks
Q: Why are murder cases in trailer parks the hardest to solve? A: Because all the DNA matches and there are no dental records.
Lonely Hearts Club
My wife sent her photograph to the Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren't that lonely.
Peanut butter and a blonde
Q: What's the difference between peanut butter and a blonde?
A: Peanut butter is difficult to spread.
Chuck uses a stunt double!!!
Chuck Norris uses a stunt double, for crying scenes.
Yo Mama's so fat...
Yo Mama's so fat, the shadow of her ass weighs 50 pounds.
I just won the lottery!
A man gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and shouts, "Honey, I just won the lottery! Pack your bags!" The wife says, "Great! Where are we going?" He says, "I’m not going anywhere!"

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A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette...
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, “Awwwwgh, I wish my friends were here.”
Love, true love, or showing off?
Q: What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
A: Spit, swallow, and gargle.
How to commit suicide
A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian said: "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."
Dear Santa
One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Dear Santa, please send me a sister." Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."
Do you want a bag?
A guy goes to the store to buy condoms. "Do you want a bag?," the cashier asks. "No," the guy says, "she's not that ugly".
Yo Mama’s so ugly
Yo Mama’s so ugly, people hang her picture in their cars so their radios don't get stolen.
A priest, a rabbi and a vicar
A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
Alcohol is bad for my legs
Guy: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: Sorry, but alcohol is bad for my legs.
Guy: Do they swell?
Girl: No. They spread.
Second hand store
I saw a man with one arm shopping in a second hand store.
I thought, "You are never going to find here what you are looking for…"
Yo Mama's so fat
Yo Mama's so fat, she's on both sides of the family!
Yo Mama is so ugly
Yo Mama is so ugly, even Ripley's couldn’t believe it.
You're my ABCD...
Wife: “How would you describe me?”
Husband: “ABCDEFGHIJK.”
Wife: “What does that mean?”
Husband: “Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot.”
Wife: “Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?”
Husband: “I'm just kidding!”
I think I am a moth
A guy walks into a dentist office.
He says, “Doc, you have to help me! I think I am a moth!”
The Dentist says, “I can't help you, I'm a dentist, you need a psychiatrist. Why did you even come in here?”
The man replies, “The light was on.”
Two hunters...
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says, "Calm down. Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, than a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "O.K., now what?"

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